Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
#Caturday
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.