Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.