I’m sorry…what?
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The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
good for her
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.