I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Me, flirting😏
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’