wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
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Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
life finds a way
A leaf blower, but for people.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]