every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
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Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time