I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
secret recipe
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.