Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
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Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”