My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*