me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.