I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.