Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I saw this ending much differently.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Wait for it
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.