[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues