I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
You Might Also Like
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.