If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Damn he played himself
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?