Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.