hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
#MeanwhileinCanada
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*