Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
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My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel