I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
this is the best day of my life
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”