[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
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My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My first son he is wonderful
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction