You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
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[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?