Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Jogging has never helped my memory.