how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
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LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen