“What movie?” 🤔
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When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.