Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Imma just leave this here…………
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad