Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
as is their right
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon