I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Bro what is this
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If you know, you know
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Muppet Screams
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.