You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I am also baked goods
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral