They’re on their honeymoon
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I can’t stop watching this.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect