I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
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i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Salad is the decaf of food.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.