In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
You Might Also Like
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*