I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]