I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
You Might Also Like
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.