who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I was just discussing this with my cat
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done