[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”