My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My work here is don’t.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
that’s really how it is
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.