What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
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Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
thanksgiving in nutshell
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.