[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
what’s the point then??
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
this has done me in for some reason
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.