Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung