A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
You have been warned.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.