A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation