A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
You Might Also Like
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
So inspired right now.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Its a hippotatomus
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.