Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.