they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
New mindset, who dis?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors