Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
sigh
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.