Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.