c’mon!
You Might Also Like
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority