*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
You Might Also Like
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Got him!
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.