her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
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It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Thank you corporation very cool
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.