My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.